Everybody who knows me knows that I’m a certified Papa’s Girl. It’s a thin line between stuff like being a unica hija, a favorite daughter (as if there was a choice back then) and a spoiled brat. I enjoyed every minute of it and I still do. You can never be too old to be a papa’s girl, I always tell them. Ever since I was young, Papa calls me his Princess. Many people who hears about it find it sweet and for the record, I love hearing my dad call me that. It makes me feel special and really loved.
So back to my dad, I just want to declare that my dad’s the best father in the whole wide world. When we were kids, we would get all excited waiting for him to come home from work. He would bring “pasalubongs” like Nagaraya peanuts, those four flavors in one pack. We each (including Faye) would get one each. Faye would always get the natural flavor because she was too young to choose and I would always get the saltiest flavor. Sometimes he would bring us a pack of Rainbow Bright Gelatin which we would also divide equally among us. So we’d get like 4 pieces each. And on a very nice night, it would be Jollibee spaghetti for all of us.
Being the only girl, it is given that Papa would be very protective of me. But he never got to the point that he makes pakialam especially in my love life. He lets me learn my lesson on my own. Of course, there are these advices (solicited and not solicited) like I should never marry somebody I am not passionately in love with. And there are deadma moments to the guys he doesn’t like for me (actually, he only disliked one guy out of all of my then boyfriends). He just wants the best for me, I know. And I also know for fathers, there will be no perfect guy for their daughter. The first time I had my heart broken, I didn’t tell him. He might have noticed (well, me not eating and the puffy eyes might gave me away) because out of the blue he asked me if I wanted to go to Hong Kong for a weekend so that I could cheer up. I was too depressed so I said no but I’ll never forget that super sweet gesture. During one of our heart to heart talks, he told me he doesn’t worry about me when it comes to love and I shouldn’t worry too because if in case it wouldn’t work out with my man, he would always be there to take care of me.
He’s also really supportive of me even when we were kids. If he wasn’t working abroad, he would make sure that he would spend time with us. Papa would take us out to adventures. From the Laguna overnight outings to the “hiking-picnics” at the off limit parts near the airport (behind the wall of the Access Road in Moonwalk). He would be more lenient than Mama (who’s forever a worrywart) therefore we get to have more fun when we are with him.
Papa took us around the world when we were young. I hated leaving the country back then because it would mean less time for volleyball and my friends but now if only I could only turn back time, I would cherish every moment that we spent together. It’s not everyday you walk around Venice at 2am looking for a open hotel, or running after a train and getting stuck in between cabins in Italy or, having lunch with Mickey Mouse cookie dessert in Disneyland Paris. Well, we have more than dozens of pictures to relive those times. Papa is a photo enthusiast. When digital camera was not yet in before, he would carry around his old school “high tech” camera (with the famous tripod) and would force all three of us to pose (in line, side by side) in front of all the tourist spots. It was out of duty back then but when we got older, we laugh till our sides hurt whenever we see our dorky faces in those pictures and of course the pride that in such a young age, we have gone to places other people can just imagine.
My dad saw all of us through college. It wasn’t easy. We hit the lows when he was forced to retire from PAL. But we got through it. Again I am thankful for my dad.
One of my most treasured moments with my dad was when I went to spend more than 4 months in Amsterdam last 2004. That was the longest time I have spent with him since he went abroad to work. We made “chismisan” everyday, ate Chinese takeout food (neither of us cooks so we don’t have anything for dinner), went to parties, and took a walk in the beach at Den Haag. We learned new things about each other and he got to know the grown up me (with sayad of course hehe). I remembered him lecturing me about laundry coz after I washed my clothes it all turned pink. I got pissed also because I followed his instructions: separate the colored from the whites. Maybe he got angry because he would need to buy me new clothes ‘coz mine got ruined. Anyways, I was also so happy because it was the time when he actually watched me play volleyball. It was also there where I saw how he worked really hard for us. He leaves the office at the average 10pm almost everyday. I also saw that our kababayans there really respect him and have only good words for him. I am only too proud to be known to be his daughter.
Papa saw us through college. He worked very hard for us to have good, nay, excellent education while providing us with more than what he really needs to. He is a very patient man. He puts his children first before himself. He taught me to always be nice to people no matter their stature in life. He goes to church often and always tells us to pray. And aside from his smile, I think I inherited his Mr. Friendship attitude. With all these, I came into a conclusion that a man that would deserve me must measure up to the one man I look up to all my life… my Dad..
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Deal with it!
CUSTOMER MANAGEMENT
It’s common knowledge that I’m a very impatient person. I think I may even have the Attention Disorder Hyperactivity Syndrome, or the ADHS for adults. I’m not kidding! For as long as I could remember, I do not have the patience to stand or sit still for a long time. I cannot spend the whole day doing nothing and I’m always on the go. When I’m in church, if seated, I feel nauseated sitting still & just listening to the sermon. If I am standing, I keep twisting my half body or I do the step forward-sideways-backwards-but-still-on-the-same-spot thing. I do not have the patience to wait for a person, either for appointments or even for love. I get irritated if the people I talk to do not get what I’m explaining in one go. Well, you can just take a look at all of my relationships. They can explain everything I have stated above. I am a very impatient person.
But my present work, contradicts the person that I am. You see, I work for the Customer Management Group. I take and process all construction requests including complaints, actually mostly complaints. I get an average of 20 emails per day, 6 calls per day, 2 client meetings (with and without appointments) per day and 3 turnover clients on site per week. God, it can be so harassing sometimes. Clients, mostly OFW’s, are often very difficult to deal with. Especially those in very tight budgets, they are the ones who have the most complaints. I’m not talking about only the clients who complain but, there are also some who are very difficult to talk to. They do not know how to understand simple things!
I have an example. Let’s call her Mrs. X. Mrs. X called our office and looked for Engr. Rubio. When I got to the phone, she said, “I said I want to talk to Engr. Rubio, not his secretary!”. Well, I get that a lot so okay lang. I introduced myself to her then she said, “So, babae ka pala?” Umm, duh. Then she proceeded to her complaint. She said, “You sent me some files and told me to choose a color for my house. Where are the colors? This so stupid and such a waste of my time.”. I was surprised and immediately checked the file that I sent her but I saw that I included the Color Scheme. I told her that and she went, “Are you calling me a liar? I printed all the documents that you sent! They are all in front of me right now. It is not here. This is so stupid.” I was still confused then I ask her,”Ma’am, if you have the documents, do you see the page where there are pictures of the house?”. She said, “Yes, but there are no colors! How can I pick if it is not colored!? Engineer ka pa naman!”. Amp! Bwiset to a. I asked her back, “Ma’am when you printed the file, did you use a colored printer?”. Ayun tumahimik. Asus! At ako pa daw ang stupid? Eto na pambawi ni Mrs. X, “You should have indicated in your email that I should print this in a colored printer!” Ay, bobo.
There are some clients also na ang labo talaga kausap. One of our company’s policy is not to have expansion on the second floor to preserve the Californian image of the houses. During one of our meetings, she was insisting to expand her second floor. I said because of our company’s Deed of Restriction, it is not possible. Ang banat ng lola mo? “Asan ba yang Deed of Restriction niyo? Akin na, papapalitan ko.” Asus!
I also hate those clients who are very inconsiderate. Yung mga walk-in lang and magdedemand na makipagmeeting sakin tapos dadating lunch break. Kainis di ba?
There are also clients na para lang makalibre ng penalties nya, they would dig up anything bad about the project or make up stuff, and blackmail you. If you don’t mind them naman, they will say na di mo sila inaasikaso. Grabe.
Eto pa, may mga clients who go to the site where their house are being built and they make pakialam everything. Ang masama dyan, halos tinuturuan na nila yung mga laborers dun kung anong gagawin! MAMARU! And would go back to our office and would make reklamo to me, na mali daw mga ginagawa sa site. Parang gusto ko sabihin dun sa engineer namin, “Oist Steve, paki bigyan na nga to si lolo ng hard hat and shovel. Kaw na gumawa dun!” Kairita grabe.
Meron din mga linyang, “you know in the states, centralized ang gas.” Or “you know in the states it’s not like that.” Or “Sa States ganito, sa States ganyan.” E DI DYAN NA LANG KAYO BUMILI DUH!
But you can never say that! Kelangan friendly pa rin ang voice kahit na umuusok na yung tenga mo. Even if nasasabihan ka ng “Engineer ka ba?”. Yan yung mga gusto ko sagutin na, “Oo engineer ako, ikaw ano ka dyan sa ibang bansa?” Nakakpikon talaga e. Pero nga, because I’m with Customer Management, mahaba dapat ang patience mo. Just like what my boss said, bawal balat sibuyas.
Don’t get me wrong. There are some clients naman who are nice. And I realized, these are those na matagal na matagal na talaga sa ibang bansa, dun na lumaki or old rich na talaga. They do not talk to you as if utang na loob mo talaga na bumili sila sa kumpanya nyo ng bahay.
Sometimes sila pa nga nahihiya na may mga requests sila. They ask if you want to eat with them afterwards when the house inspection stretched past lunchtime. They give you thoughtful gifts after you have helped them. It’s not being materialistic naman pero it’s nice to feel you are appreciated. Yung may mga request sa phone na super sweet kausap? Parang nakakagana iprocess noh? Kaysa dun sa may mga request na sinisigawan ka pa, parang ang sarap i-pending hehehe. Pero ofcourse we don’t do that. I just hope there will be more considerate clients.
It’s common knowledge that I’m a very impatient person. I think I may even have the Attention Disorder Hyperactivity Syndrome, or the ADHS for adults. I’m not kidding! For as long as I could remember, I do not have the patience to stand or sit still for a long time. I cannot spend the whole day doing nothing and I’m always on the go. When I’m in church, if seated, I feel nauseated sitting still & just listening to the sermon. If I am standing, I keep twisting my half body or I do the step forward-sideways-backwards-but-still-on-the-same-spot thing. I do not have the patience to wait for a person, either for appointments or even for love. I get irritated if the people I talk to do not get what I’m explaining in one go. Well, you can just take a look at all of my relationships. They can explain everything I have stated above. I am a very impatient person.
But my present work, contradicts the person that I am. You see, I work for the Customer Management Group. I take and process all construction requests including complaints, actually mostly complaints. I get an average of 20 emails per day, 6 calls per day, 2 client meetings (with and without appointments) per day and 3 turnover clients on site per week. God, it can be so harassing sometimes. Clients, mostly OFW’s, are often very difficult to deal with. Especially those in very tight budgets, they are the ones who have the most complaints. I’m not talking about only the clients who complain but, there are also some who are very difficult to talk to. They do not know how to understand simple things!
I have an example. Let’s call her Mrs. X. Mrs. X called our office and looked for Engr. Rubio. When I got to the phone, she said, “I said I want to talk to Engr. Rubio, not his secretary!”. Well, I get that a lot so okay lang. I introduced myself to her then she said, “So, babae ka pala?” Umm, duh. Then she proceeded to her complaint. She said, “You sent me some files and told me to choose a color for my house. Where are the colors? This so stupid and such a waste of my time.”. I was surprised and immediately checked the file that I sent her but I saw that I included the Color Scheme. I told her that and she went, “Are you calling me a liar? I printed all the documents that you sent! They are all in front of me right now. It is not here. This is so stupid.” I was still confused then I ask her,”Ma’am, if you have the documents, do you see the page where there are pictures of the house?”. She said, “Yes, but there are no colors! How can I pick if it is not colored!? Engineer ka pa naman!”. Amp! Bwiset to a. I asked her back, “Ma’am when you printed the file, did you use a colored printer?”. Ayun tumahimik. Asus! At ako pa daw ang stupid? Eto na pambawi ni Mrs. X, “You should have indicated in your email that I should print this in a colored printer!” Ay, bobo.
There are some clients also na ang labo talaga kausap. One of our company’s policy is not to have expansion on the second floor to preserve the Californian image of the houses. During one of our meetings, she was insisting to expand her second floor. I said because of our company’s Deed of Restriction, it is not possible. Ang banat ng lola mo? “Asan ba yang Deed of Restriction niyo? Akin na, papapalitan ko.” Asus!
I also hate those clients who are very inconsiderate. Yung mga walk-in lang and magdedemand na makipagmeeting sakin tapos dadating lunch break. Kainis di ba?
There are also clients na para lang makalibre ng penalties nya, they would dig up anything bad about the project or make up stuff, and blackmail you. If you don’t mind them naman, they will say na di mo sila inaasikaso. Grabe.
Eto pa, may mga clients who go to the site where their house are being built and they make pakialam everything. Ang masama dyan, halos tinuturuan na nila yung mga laborers dun kung anong gagawin! MAMARU! And would go back to our office and would make reklamo to me, na mali daw mga ginagawa sa site. Parang gusto ko sabihin dun sa engineer namin, “Oist Steve, paki bigyan na nga to si lolo ng hard hat and shovel. Kaw na gumawa dun!” Kairita grabe.
Meron din mga linyang, “you know in the states, centralized ang gas.” Or “you know in the states it’s not like that.” Or “Sa States ganito, sa States ganyan.” E DI DYAN NA LANG KAYO BUMILI DUH!
But you can never say that! Kelangan friendly pa rin ang voice kahit na umuusok na yung tenga mo. Even if nasasabihan ka ng “Engineer ka ba?”. Yan yung mga gusto ko sagutin na, “Oo engineer ako, ikaw ano ka dyan sa ibang bansa?” Nakakpikon talaga e. Pero nga, because I’m with Customer Management, mahaba dapat ang patience mo. Just like what my boss said, bawal balat sibuyas.
Don’t get me wrong. There are some clients naman who are nice. And I realized, these are those na matagal na matagal na talaga sa ibang bansa, dun na lumaki or old rich na talaga. They do not talk to you as if utang na loob mo talaga na bumili sila sa kumpanya nyo ng bahay.
Sometimes sila pa nga nahihiya na may mga requests sila. They ask if you want to eat with them afterwards when the house inspection stretched past lunchtime. They give you thoughtful gifts after you have helped them. It’s not being materialistic naman pero it’s nice to feel you are appreciated. Yung may mga request sa phone na super sweet kausap? Parang nakakagana iprocess noh? Kaysa dun sa may mga request na sinisigawan ka pa, parang ang sarap i-pending hehehe. Pero ofcourse we don’t do that. I just hope there will be more considerate clients.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Quarter Life Crisis
I was having dessert with Peachy & Julius last week when I told her, “Girl, I think I have a non existent career.”. They both grew silent. I think that’s the affirmation that I was looking for. I didn’t stop there though. I was with this friend at his place and while we were both looking at the stain on his ceiling, I asked him, “Do you think I don’t have a career path?”. He told me, he doesn’t think so. The pay must not measure your success. What’s important is that you are good in what you’re doing and you actually enjoy doing it. Alright, I got that, he has a point. But still up to now I am bothered of how I am faring in this great big world. I guess this is what they call the quarter life crisis. Boy, I think got it pretty bad.
Gone are the days when I hop from one bar to another every night till you hear rooster sounds. When I go out now, I’m usually sleepy by 10:30 pm. That reduced my gimiks from videoke bars or clubs to either “kwentuhan” over quiet dinner and coffee or staying over friends’ house. I don’t need to go out anymore just to have a nice time. I got contented in chilling out basta you are with someone’s company you enjoy. Well I know, me completely staying home hasn’t changed though hehe.
Relationships got me jaded too. Like the bars, I do not hop to one relationship to another anymore. I know this is the perfect time to do that coz I’ve been single for quite some time now but I think I lost my thing for that. I don’t even go on dates with people I do not see potential whatever with anymore. Unlike before na “sige lang, baka pwede pa din” I got tired. This is the thing I don’t like when you come from a long relationship eh. You have to build something with someone from scratch again. But I know it will come naturally someday.
The way I shopped changed too. Before, I shopped for clothes, shoes and bags almost everyday. Gosh, now, I’d be really grateful if I get to buy stuff once every week. It’s not only the budget e, time na din. During my free time, either I’d catch up with friends or I’d spend it at home sleeping. I resigned from being a mall rat. Not only that, I started buying beauty products more. You know, the anti-eye wrinkle thing or the age defying stuff or the youth looking creams. Preventive maintenance became really important for me.
My everyday get up now would involve jeans or shorts with white tank tops and Havaianas. The problem here is I wear them now to EVERYWHERE. Movies, dinners, client calls, gosh if only they would allow it in the office, I’d go to work wearing that. I sometimes look at my stilettos and wonder how I managed to walk with it for hours around the mall in my younger days or the thought that I could run in those heels before. Make-up is also reduced to face powder, cheek stain and lip gloss.
Maturity got better of me. Yeah, I now lie about my age (I’d be forever 25 until my face still gets away with it) but I face life now with all the maturity I have collected all these years (and should have applied before). I do not need somebody to constantly take care of me anymore. I became the independent person I was before I lost myself back then. I do not see relationships as You-and-Me-Only kind of thing anymore. I’ve realized for your relationships to be stronger, both of you have to have space and grow as two individual person. I choose people who stay in my life. I do not force them to stay anymore and more importantly, I do not let them decide for me. I have let go of people who needs to go and I became good friends with those who never left me.
I have given up my childhood goal of marrying at 28. How could I do that when this is the time I’m just growing up? Maturing just now? Too late I know. It cost me people I cared about in the past. But in life, it’s never too late to learn. One important thing I realized is that never be afraid to let go of people who are not meant to stay. They had to go because they have to be replaced by those who are coming to stay for good.
Gone are the days when I hop from one bar to another every night till you hear rooster sounds. When I go out now, I’m usually sleepy by 10:30 pm. That reduced my gimiks from videoke bars or clubs to either “kwentuhan” over quiet dinner and coffee or staying over friends’ house. I don’t need to go out anymore just to have a nice time. I got contented in chilling out basta you are with someone’s company you enjoy. Well I know, me completely staying home hasn’t changed though hehe.
Relationships got me jaded too. Like the bars, I do not hop to one relationship to another anymore. I know this is the perfect time to do that coz I’ve been single for quite some time now but I think I lost my thing for that. I don’t even go on dates with people I do not see potential whatever with anymore. Unlike before na “sige lang, baka pwede pa din” I got tired. This is the thing I don’t like when you come from a long relationship eh. You have to build something with someone from scratch again. But I know it will come naturally someday.
The way I shopped changed too. Before, I shopped for clothes, shoes and bags almost everyday. Gosh, now, I’d be really grateful if I get to buy stuff once every week. It’s not only the budget e, time na din. During my free time, either I’d catch up with friends or I’d spend it at home sleeping. I resigned from being a mall rat. Not only that, I started buying beauty products more. You know, the anti-eye wrinkle thing or the age defying stuff or the youth looking creams. Preventive maintenance became really important for me.
My everyday get up now would involve jeans or shorts with white tank tops and Havaianas. The problem here is I wear them now to EVERYWHERE. Movies, dinners, client calls, gosh if only they would allow it in the office, I’d go to work wearing that. I sometimes look at my stilettos and wonder how I managed to walk with it for hours around the mall in my younger days or the thought that I could run in those heels before. Make-up is also reduced to face powder, cheek stain and lip gloss.
Maturity got better of me. Yeah, I now lie about my age (I’d be forever 25 until my face still gets away with it) but I face life now with all the maturity I have collected all these years (and should have applied before). I do not need somebody to constantly take care of me anymore. I became the independent person I was before I lost myself back then. I do not see relationships as You-and-Me-Only kind of thing anymore. I’ve realized for your relationships to be stronger, both of you have to have space and grow as two individual person. I choose people who stay in my life. I do not force them to stay anymore and more importantly, I do not let them decide for me. I have let go of people who needs to go and I became good friends with those who never left me.
I have given up my childhood goal of marrying at 28. How could I do that when this is the time I’m just growing up? Maturing just now? Too late I know. It cost me people I cared about in the past. But in life, it’s never too late to learn. One important thing I realized is that never be afraid to let go of people who are not meant to stay. They had to go because they have to be replaced by those who are coming to stay for good.
My No Laughing Matter
Every Sundays, I look forward reading Lucy Gomez’s and Celine Lopez’s columns in the Sunday Lifestyle section of The Philippine Star newspaper. I enjoyed their column one Sunday, particularly last June 3, 2007, This is where I learned about Ms. Lucy’s happiness list which I eventually made gaya. This is also the same issue where I read about Celine Lopez’s “No Laughing Matter”.
In this column, she shared that for ten years, she is being treated for anxiety depression. I could really relate because I also got treated with the same sickness last 2004. Like her, I also want to share what I went through.
You see, it all started when I got hospitalized last March 2004. My stomach is very sensitive and if I eat something that is not agreeable with it, I would have LBM and would throw up like there’s no tomorrow. Of course with this I would be dehydrated. The weird thing is I got hospitalized twice after that again, with the same sickness, dehydration. My stomach has been poked around a lot (camera’s and everything) just to see what’s wrong. After going out of the hospital, I quit my job. It was then I experienced palpitating with no reason. It’s like being nervous without knowing why. I couldn’t sleep at night and when I do, I’d wake up like four hours after. I never wanted to be alone. I would cry for no reason. I would vomit uncontrollably because I was always nauseated because of my palpitation. I though I was going crazy. I felt I was so tired of being sick, I just want to end everything. For days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just stare blankly at space. I do not eat. I wanted to commit suicide.
Actually, I almost did. I was at home with the maid. I went down and got the largest knife in the kitchen and brought it to my room. I locked the door and wrote my last letter. I got the knife and tried poking my chest with it. I couldn’t do it though. Aside from the fact that it hurts, I thought how much my mom would be disappointed at me. And how my dad would be devastated he would lose his princess. And that my brothers and Faye would feel that I have let them down. So, I dressed up and went to Greenbelt church. I went inside the confession room and told the priest what I was about to do. Do you know what he told me? He said to go to the church’s office and have a scheduled counseling. What the F@%#!K? I just told him I was about to kill myself 10 minutes ago! He was an effing priest for god’s sake! Anyways, I went out of the confession booth and went to their parish office and I begged the people inside the office if I could talk to a priest now. I was really crying this time. They dismissed me by giving me a piece of paper to fill up so that they could schedule me. God I was already crying my heart out! How could these people call themselves God’s servants when they clearly cannot see a pathetic girl needing their help? I was led towards the corner by this kind lady. We sat and I talked to her what I was going through. I think I talked for a good one hour. Then she said, she was a cancer patient with nobody to take care of her. I have my family, boyfriend and friends therefore I shouldn’t be feeling that way. I said I don’t understand what’s wrong with me either. I just want to end my life because I was suffering.
This was when my gastro (the doctor), suggested I go to a psychiatrist.
The doctor she suggested was Dr. Paul Lee. When he saw me, he said I have what they call anxiety-depression. This was caused by the chemical imbalanced that happened after the numerous times I have been dehydrated. I was simply clinically depressed. This explains it because I was racking my brains why I’m going through this. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing that big in my life I should be this depressed about. He said that I should take some pills and not do anything stupid because he promised that he would make me better. I said no. I cannot afford his fee with all my medicines that I was already taking for my stomach plus the medicines he wanted me to take. So what he did was to lower his charge from Php 2,500 to Php 1,000 per visit. I realized I was in a so wrong course man! I should have taken up Psychiatry. They get paid a lot! Imagine 1k per visit and there was a pretty long line outside his clinic! Anyway, I agreed because I was desperate to get better.
I had a hard time going through with it because I was ashamed that maybe people would think I was going crazy. My mom wasn’t supportive of me, maybe she cannot accept that her unica hija was going crazy. My dad was a different story. Even living thousands of miles from me, he was very supportive. He sent money for my doctor’s fee and medicines. He called my doctor to know what was really wrong. We realized together that this is also the result of a psychological thing that happened to me when I was a kid. The depression also took its toll with my relationships. The depression made my feelings very sensitive and erratic. I would be quiet one time, happy the next, crying the next time and very mad the next.
I went to Dr Lee 3 times a week. We don’t talk much because I don’t talk at all. He talks with the people who goes with me though. They confirmed to him that I was a very active person before. A total opposite of how I was acting then. He said I just have to keep on drinking the medicines and one day I’d be back to how I was. He also suggested that I go visit my dad in Amsterdam because a change of environment was good for me.
He was right. Armed with all my medicines I went to my dad’s. A change of environment really did me good. I started laughing again and doing stuff I liked. I learned not to feel guilty of this condition because I am not the only one who has it. This illness is not a sign of weakness. With the help of medicines and friends, it will one day go away. I had occasional anxiety attacks when I was there though, but whenever I feel that, I call up Dicky in Manila and everything would be well again. After spending five months in Europe, I went back to Manila. From the airport, when I laid down my bed, I threw up big time after and started palpitating again. Dr Lee said it was a post trauma. I had to re-arrange my room because it reminded my of what I went through before I left for Europe. I continued seeing him for another six months because we had to withdraw the medicines slowly. It was so frustrating but my goal was never to return to that state again. Eventually, things returned to normal. I am just scared because they said, this could still be triggered by something tragic. Like what I’ve said, I never want to return to that state again.
I am very much thankful for those who stayed by my side during that time. Peachy and Vivian, my girlfriends and friends who supported me all the way. That kind lady at Greenbelt church who I talked to. Of course, Dicky, who would pick me up wherever I was after his work, go with me to mass (which I attended regularly) and almost camp in my bed every night because I was afraid of being left alone. He who was patient enough put up with all my shitty stuff during that time. He who also never gave up on me and believed that I would be able to pull through. I thank you very much.
Just how Celine Lopez puts it: it’s really hard to explain this condition to people who don’t have it. It doesn’t have physical signs to warrant an alarmed reaction and to be legit. Depression gives you a dull ache that may manifest itself in psychosomatic symptoms such as backaches and migraines. It is easy to dismiss it as being moody or a drama queen. But in reality, this is an illness. Though, I have stopped taking my medicines, I feel that I still battle it every now and then. I still have my good days and bad ones. This year I felt close in drowning in it again after I lost someone I love but I fought it. There a lot of people or things that would disappoint you but you have only yourself to rely on to deal with it. Do not set very high expectations for yourself and others. Accept people as they are. Again like what I have said before, depression isn’t a sign of weakness. It is an illness you have to admit you have and have yourself treated.
In this column, she shared that for ten years, she is being treated for anxiety depression. I could really relate because I also got treated with the same sickness last 2004. Like her, I also want to share what I went through.
You see, it all started when I got hospitalized last March 2004. My stomach is very sensitive and if I eat something that is not agreeable with it, I would have LBM and would throw up like there’s no tomorrow. Of course with this I would be dehydrated. The weird thing is I got hospitalized twice after that again, with the same sickness, dehydration. My stomach has been poked around a lot (camera’s and everything) just to see what’s wrong. After going out of the hospital, I quit my job. It was then I experienced palpitating with no reason. It’s like being nervous without knowing why. I couldn’t sleep at night and when I do, I’d wake up like four hours after. I never wanted to be alone. I would cry for no reason. I would vomit uncontrollably because I was always nauseated because of my palpitation. I though I was going crazy. I felt I was so tired of being sick, I just want to end everything. For days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just stare blankly at space. I do not eat. I wanted to commit suicide.
Actually, I almost did. I was at home with the maid. I went down and got the largest knife in the kitchen and brought it to my room. I locked the door and wrote my last letter. I got the knife and tried poking my chest with it. I couldn’t do it though. Aside from the fact that it hurts, I thought how much my mom would be disappointed at me. And how my dad would be devastated he would lose his princess. And that my brothers and Faye would feel that I have let them down. So, I dressed up and went to Greenbelt church. I went inside the confession room and told the priest what I was about to do. Do you know what he told me? He said to go to the church’s office and have a scheduled counseling. What the F@%#!K? I just told him I was about to kill myself 10 minutes ago! He was an effing priest for god’s sake! Anyways, I went out of the confession booth and went to their parish office and I begged the people inside the office if I could talk to a priest now. I was really crying this time. They dismissed me by giving me a piece of paper to fill up so that they could schedule me. God I was already crying my heart out! How could these people call themselves God’s servants when they clearly cannot see a pathetic girl needing their help? I was led towards the corner by this kind lady. We sat and I talked to her what I was going through. I think I talked for a good one hour. Then she said, she was a cancer patient with nobody to take care of her. I have my family, boyfriend and friends therefore I shouldn’t be feeling that way. I said I don’t understand what’s wrong with me either. I just want to end my life because I was suffering.
This was when my gastro (the doctor), suggested I go to a psychiatrist.
The doctor she suggested was Dr. Paul Lee. When he saw me, he said I have what they call anxiety-depression. This was caused by the chemical imbalanced that happened after the numerous times I have been dehydrated. I was simply clinically depressed. This explains it because I was racking my brains why I’m going through this. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing that big in my life I should be this depressed about. He said that I should take some pills and not do anything stupid because he promised that he would make me better. I said no. I cannot afford his fee with all my medicines that I was already taking for my stomach plus the medicines he wanted me to take. So what he did was to lower his charge from Php 2,500 to Php 1,000 per visit. I realized I was in a so wrong course man! I should have taken up Psychiatry. They get paid a lot! Imagine 1k per visit and there was a pretty long line outside his clinic! Anyway, I agreed because I was desperate to get better.
I had a hard time going through with it because I was ashamed that maybe people would think I was going crazy. My mom wasn’t supportive of me, maybe she cannot accept that her unica hija was going crazy. My dad was a different story. Even living thousands of miles from me, he was very supportive. He sent money for my doctor’s fee and medicines. He called my doctor to know what was really wrong. We realized together that this is also the result of a psychological thing that happened to me when I was a kid. The depression also took its toll with my relationships. The depression made my feelings very sensitive and erratic. I would be quiet one time, happy the next, crying the next time and very mad the next.
I went to Dr Lee 3 times a week. We don’t talk much because I don’t talk at all. He talks with the people who goes with me though. They confirmed to him that I was a very active person before. A total opposite of how I was acting then. He said I just have to keep on drinking the medicines and one day I’d be back to how I was. He also suggested that I go visit my dad in Amsterdam because a change of environment was good for me.
He was right. Armed with all my medicines I went to my dad’s. A change of environment really did me good. I started laughing again and doing stuff I liked. I learned not to feel guilty of this condition because I am not the only one who has it. This illness is not a sign of weakness. With the help of medicines and friends, it will one day go away. I had occasional anxiety attacks when I was there though, but whenever I feel that, I call up Dicky in Manila and everything would be well again. After spending five months in Europe, I went back to Manila. From the airport, when I laid down my bed, I threw up big time after and started palpitating again. Dr Lee said it was a post trauma. I had to re-arrange my room because it reminded my of what I went through before I left for Europe. I continued seeing him for another six months because we had to withdraw the medicines slowly. It was so frustrating but my goal was never to return to that state again. Eventually, things returned to normal. I am just scared because they said, this could still be triggered by something tragic. Like what I’ve said, I never want to return to that state again.
I am very much thankful for those who stayed by my side during that time. Peachy and Vivian, my girlfriends and friends who supported me all the way. That kind lady at Greenbelt church who I talked to. Of course, Dicky, who would pick me up wherever I was after his work, go with me to mass (which I attended regularly) and almost camp in my bed every night because I was afraid of being left alone. He who was patient enough put up with all my shitty stuff during that time. He who also never gave up on me and believed that I would be able to pull through. I thank you very much.
Just how Celine Lopez puts it: it’s really hard to explain this condition to people who don’t have it. It doesn’t have physical signs to warrant an alarmed reaction and to be legit. Depression gives you a dull ache that may manifest itself in psychosomatic symptoms such as backaches and migraines. It is easy to dismiss it as being moody or a drama queen. But in reality, this is an illness. Though, I have stopped taking my medicines, I feel that I still battle it every now and then. I still have my good days and bad ones. This year I felt close in drowning in it again after I lost someone I love but I fought it. There a lot of people or things that would disappoint you but you have only yourself to rely on to deal with it. Do not set very high expectations for yourself and others. Accept people as they are. Again like what I have said before, depression isn’t a sign of weakness. It is an illness you have to admit you have and have yourself treated.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Happy Hormones
* Eating Green Tea FIC Ice Cream
* Watching the sunset in Fort Ilocandia, Ilocos Norte
* Having a very professional looking photo by a friend
* Pancit canton with pandesal and sprite – anytime
* A rare shopping day with my non-shopaholic brother
* When an ex tells you that “YOU’RE THE BEST GIRLFRIEND I HAD”
* Buying a new Ericsson K800i after making “tiyaga” with a super outdated phone for so long!
* A tight hug after a long day
* Hearing a heartfelt “I Missed You”
* Receiving a serious “I’m always here for you, nana” text
* Eating a 25 peso adobo with rice in a “carinderia” with someone close
* Being called Engineer instead of Fleur by colleagues
* Clients who tell me they can’t believe I’m already an engineer
* Walking along the beach in Den Haag with Papa
* No brainer fun chick flicks like: Clueless, Bring It On, Legally Blond, Princess Diaries, Prince and Me
* Sharing a Holy Kettle Popcorn
* Catching up “kwentuhan” with your best friend at Coffee Bean
* A really hard massage
* MVP and mythical 6 awards in volleyball
* A 4.0 grade in college and in my master’s
* Catching your “used-to-be” looking at you
* Calling your special someone in Manila while on top of the Eiffel Tower
* Peanut butter with banana
* Banana dipped in soy sauce or “patis”
*Walking under the rain while sharing one umbrella
* The Mona Lisa painting staring back at you
* Boat rides in Venice
* Choc-nut and M&M’s
* Mama’s freshly baked chocolate chips cookies
* Someone playing with your hair
* Green Tea Frapuccino with Hazelnut Syrup
* A really good cry after a breakup
* An hour at the Adoration Chapel
* Winning a close 5 set volleyball game
* Prison Break Marathons
* Second Chances
* Subconsciously holding hands while walking
* The view of the Taal Lake from your room or from the second floor of Starbucks
* Tokens dropping from YOUR slot machines
* Cleaning up your PENDING TRAY after a hard day’s work
* Magic Tricks of my brother
* Someone explaining to you the stuff you don’t understand in the movie, “Pirates of the Caribbean 2”
* My Tita Nene’s lasagna
* Sleeping while someone’s hugging you from behind
* Having new Havaianas
* Burying my face in someone’s neck
* Smell of the fabric softener on my clothes in the morning
* Seeing a gentleman give up his seat for a lady
* Walking around the mall carrying a lot of shopping bags
* Via Mare’s Spicy Tuyo Flakes
* Meeting up with an old friend, catching up without realizing how late it already is
* Entering the Vatican Church
* Seeing the Pope in person
* A surprise of balloon hanging in the ceiling of my room during Valentines
* A beautiful Spring flowers arrangement
* Meeting your special someone’s family
* Playing with babies
* First time commuting around Paris on your own
* Discovering a secret
* Watching the sunset in Fort Ilocandia, Ilocos Norte
* Having a very professional looking photo by a friend
* Pancit canton with pandesal and sprite – anytime
* A rare shopping day with my non-shopaholic brother
* When an ex tells you that “YOU’RE THE BEST GIRLFRIEND I HAD”
* Buying a new Ericsson K800i after making “tiyaga” with a super outdated phone for so long!
* A tight hug after a long day
* Hearing a heartfelt “I Missed You”
* Receiving a serious “I’m always here for you, nana” text
* Eating a 25 peso adobo with rice in a “carinderia” with someone close
* Being called Engineer instead of Fleur by colleagues
* Clients who tell me they can’t believe I’m already an engineer
* Walking along the beach in Den Haag with Papa
* No brainer fun chick flicks like: Clueless, Bring It On, Legally Blond, Princess Diaries, Prince and Me
* Sharing a Holy Kettle Popcorn
* Catching up “kwentuhan” with your best friend at Coffee Bean
* A really hard massage
* MVP and mythical 6 awards in volleyball
* A 4.0 grade in college and in my master’s
* Catching your “used-to-be” looking at you
* Calling your special someone in Manila while on top of the Eiffel Tower
* Peanut butter with banana
* Banana dipped in soy sauce or “patis”
*Walking under the rain while sharing one umbrella
* The Mona Lisa painting staring back at you
* Boat rides in Venice
* Choc-nut and M&M’s
* Mama’s freshly baked chocolate chips cookies
* Someone playing with your hair
* Green Tea Frapuccino with Hazelnut Syrup
* A really good cry after a breakup
* An hour at the Adoration Chapel
* Winning a close 5 set volleyball game
* Prison Break Marathons
* Second Chances
* Subconsciously holding hands while walking
* The view of the Taal Lake from your room or from the second floor of Starbucks
* Tokens dropping from YOUR slot machines
* Cleaning up your PENDING TRAY after a hard day’s work
* Magic Tricks of my brother
* Someone explaining to you the stuff you don’t understand in the movie, “Pirates of the Caribbean 2”
* My Tita Nene’s lasagna
* Sleeping while someone’s hugging you from behind
* Having new Havaianas
* Burying my face in someone’s neck
* Smell of the fabric softener on my clothes in the morning
* Seeing a gentleman give up his seat for a lady
* Walking around the mall carrying a lot of shopping bags
* Via Mare’s Spicy Tuyo Flakes
* Meeting up with an old friend, catching up without realizing how late it already is
* Entering the Vatican Church
* Seeing the Pope in person
* A surprise of balloon hanging in the ceiling of my room during Valentines
* A beautiful Spring flowers arrangement
* Meeting your special someone’s family
* Playing with babies
* First time commuting around Paris on your own
* Discovering a secret
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
