How do you let go? Or how would you know if you have already let go of a person dear to you?
I met up with a close friend recently at Coffee Bean at High Street. This meeting was long overdue. We haven’t seen each other for quite some time. When I arrived inside the coffee shop, we exchanged beso and I asked if we could transfer outside because it was cold where she was sitting. So she got her things and we went outside. When I was just about to sit down, my friend blurted out, “Fleur, break na kami.” At first I was shocked and the first thing that came out of my my mouth was “Wa-what? Pero wait, I just have to tell you, pumapayat ka ha?” (Totoo naman kasi e) Then immediately after, I said again, “What? When? How?” No why’s. Because I already knew the reason.
Few weeks before, my friend made kwento that she had a feeling her boyfriend was cheating on her. So naturally, like what ALL NORMAL girls would do, she checked his phone. And there it was… All 100++ messages of the girl, stored in a folder. After the confrontation and admission (on his part), they tried working things out, all because of their love for each other. But of course, if the trust is already broken, it’s really hard to regain in back.
So back to my meeting with my friend. She told her boyfriend (now her ex) that she wants out because she can’t trust him anymore. The boyfriend cannot accept this and begged her to change his mind. But she was firm. The next day, the ex-boyfriend flew outside the country for a week long business trip. The very same day, the ex texted her. I was like “What did he say mare?” I was thinking that maybe he was still begging or he was telling my friend that when he comes back, he’ll take her to an unlimited shopping spree in Hong Kong. “What?” I asked again, a little impatient this time. “Kung pwede ko ba daw bayaran yung Meralco niya.”, my friend said. Punyeta. How romantic. They had text-banter after that. My friend reminded him that she’s dead serious with her decision. Fine, said the guy. The weird thing is that up until the time my friend and I met (days after that Meralco text), her ex hasn’t texted or communicated with her at all. Weird.
When my friend was telling me this story, I was looking at her. I was searching for any bitterness, anger or self-pity, but there was none. I asked her, “So girl, how are you feeling now? Are you okay?”. Heller, coz she looks pretty fine to me. She said she’s also surprised with her reaction and her current state. She said though she still loves her ex, she really doesn’t want him back. He can’t blame her for not trying because for weeks she really tried to forget what her boyfriend did just so they can continue staying together. She said that she just woke up one day, feeling nothing.
I can relate,man! I had a boyfriend before, a long, long time ago. The relationship tarnished because of something I did. For a while (actually a long time for me), I waited for him to go back. I allowed myself to be his doormat and I allowed myself to be an option for him. There was no one to blame because at that time, I was happy being like that. I was at fault, so fine, I allowed him to treat me that way. But after two consecutive events that left me feeling offended and disrespected (a simple I’m-sorry-for-what-I-made-you-feel text would have made a great deal), I suddenly stopped feeling anything (well, that was 3 days after waking up with a huge hangover). Then I remembered this saying that THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE ISN’T HATE, IT’S INDIFFERENCE. I do not want to jump into conclusions now because I do not want to eat my words later, but that’s it, I cannot feel anything, plain and simple. It was like something in me was switched off. Click! But guys, I tell you, it’s a wonderful feeling.
I no longer think about him everyday. I do not notice that he doesn’t text or call me anymore. I do not dress up thinking I might bump into him later that day. I started appreciating other people more and accepting that there are actually people in my life who would want to treat me better. And ang pinakapanalo, like what my friend said, “Fleur, I do not cry anymore. And I do not wake up anymore just to cry.” Weird, but very liberating.
Is this the feeling of letting go?
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
NANA TRIVIA
* I like shopping. Duh! I haven’t encountered any girl who despises shopping. It’s therapeutic. It releases negative vibes in your body and adds to the endorphins (happy hormones) that you need. First, I go around the whole mall to see what I could buy. Then, I go around again to actually buy stuff.
* I like reminiscing. During Christmas, my friends in Moonwalk have this tradition to meet up at Jay’s house usually to drink and eat Noche Buena leftovers for pulutan. We always have a good time reminiscing all the “kalokohans” that we did when we were still young. Of course, they never fail to repeatedly embarrass me with their stories of my so-called suitors before. Good times.
* I hate it when there is no ice in the ice trays whenever I need them.
* I like eating my soup, main course and dessert all at the same time. I also eat ice cream and chocolates with rice.
* I drink water a lot. When people ask me why I’m thin, I tell them that I drink a lot of water and by the time I take my meals, I’m already full. It also helps my digestion because I have weird shaped intestines.
* I’ve had so many boyfriends but I have only been truly in love twice in my entire life.
* I have failed only one subject since nursery to college. It was Quantitative Methods (Statistics) because the professor was so hot. Joke only, Papa. It was really hard talaga. Hehehe.
*The longest I have driven is from Naga (Bicol) to Manila. Next was from Tarlac to Ilocos Sur.
* All throughout my volleyball career, I was only awarded the Best Tosser Award once. That was during the SK-Barangay League in Moonwalk. I already have a MVP award from a prestigious league and a couple of mythical 6 medals but until now, I still long to receive one more Best Tosser Award.
* I often talk first before I think.
* I’ve had anxiety depression. The toughest time that I have ever gone through.
* I usually like the guy first. I can carry a crush for the longest time. I’ll know that it’s not love if when the time comes and they like me already, I get turned off na.
* I hope chivalry is not dead amongst men. I still enjoy car doors being opened for me.
* I still palpitate when I hear the word marriage. Yeah, JP & I are still like that, aren’t we?
* I have tornado in my hair.
* I always delay myself in going home. I don’t actually know why, force of habit I guess. When I was still young, I was always out of the house. Now, I don’t really want to go out and go gimmick all the time but I also do not want to go home as soon as I get out of office. Weird.
* I’m so slow in manual arithmetic. I still count with my fingers. But give me long complicated mathematical problems, no problem.
* I’m afraid of going to hospitals because I’m a hypochondriac. Also because, I do not want to see rolling beds along the hallways. It creeps the hell out of me!
* I had the worst Christmas, New Year and Birthday last year (2006 & 2007).
* I have been to Arizona, LA, Montana, Las Vegas, Vietnam, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Spain, Venice, Florence, Rome, Amsterdam, The Hague, Paris, Antwerp, Brussels, Germany and Austria.
* My actual height does not reach 5 feet. It’s ¼ inch short.
* I consider myself as a liberated girl. However, I can never tolerate & accept men sleeping with paid women.
* I’d like to experience to walk holding hands with a special someone in the beach during sun set.
* I hate it when I text people and they don’t reply. Am I not worth the piso?
* I’m an occasions person.
* I like reminiscing. During Christmas, my friends in Moonwalk have this tradition to meet up at Jay’s house usually to drink and eat Noche Buena leftovers for pulutan. We always have a good time reminiscing all the “kalokohans” that we did when we were still young. Of course, they never fail to repeatedly embarrass me with their stories of my so-called suitors before. Good times.
* I hate it when there is no ice in the ice trays whenever I need them.
* I like eating my soup, main course and dessert all at the same time. I also eat ice cream and chocolates with rice.
* I drink water a lot. When people ask me why I’m thin, I tell them that I drink a lot of water and by the time I take my meals, I’m already full. It also helps my digestion because I have weird shaped intestines.
* I’ve had so many boyfriends but I have only been truly in love twice in my entire life.
* I have failed only one subject since nursery to college. It was Quantitative Methods (Statistics) because the professor was so hot. Joke only, Papa. It was really hard talaga. Hehehe.
*The longest I have driven is from Naga (Bicol) to Manila. Next was from Tarlac to Ilocos Sur.
* All throughout my volleyball career, I was only awarded the Best Tosser Award once. That was during the SK-Barangay League in Moonwalk. I already have a MVP award from a prestigious league and a couple of mythical 6 medals but until now, I still long to receive one more Best Tosser Award.
* I often talk first before I think.
* I’ve had anxiety depression. The toughest time that I have ever gone through.
* I usually like the guy first. I can carry a crush for the longest time. I’ll know that it’s not love if when the time comes and they like me already, I get turned off na.
* I hope chivalry is not dead amongst men. I still enjoy car doors being opened for me.
* I still palpitate when I hear the word marriage. Yeah, JP & I are still like that, aren’t we?
* I have tornado in my hair.
* I always delay myself in going home. I don’t actually know why, force of habit I guess. When I was still young, I was always out of the house. Now, I don’t really want to go out and go gimmick all the time but I also do not want to go home as soon as I get out of office. Weird.
* I’m so slow in manual arithmetic. I still count with my fingers. But give me long complicated mathematical problems, no problem.
* I’m afraid of going to hospitals because I’m a hypochondriac. Also because, I do not want to see rolling beds along the hallways. It creeps the hell out of me!
* I had the worst Christmas, New Year and Birthday last year (2006 & 2007).
* I have been to Arizona, LA, Montana, Las Vegas, Vietnam, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Spain, Venice, Florence, Rome, Amsterdam, The Hague, Paris, Antwerp, Brussels, Germany and Austria.
* My actual height does not reach 5 feet. It’s ¼ inch short.
* I consider myself as a liberated girl. However, I can never tolerate & accept men sleeping with paid women.
* I’d like to experience to walk holding hands with a special someone in the beach during sun set.
* I hate it when I text people and they don’t reply. Am I not worth the piso?
* I’m an occasions person.
~*~ Wishes ~*~
1.) I wish Philippine Airlines didn’t close their offices in Europe. This way, Papa would still be in a job that he loves doing and have all the benefits especially the free airfare. I remember before, Papa can go back and forth anytime he wishes. So it’s like, he’s working at the other side of the globe but whenever he feels like it, he can go back home even for a weekend. This way, we still get to see him often unlike now, it’s been months since I last saw him and I’m missing him so much!
2.) I wish I have the time, guts and money to start & continue the business that I really love: WEDDING COORDINATION. They said that work would stop feeling like work if you love what you’re doing. I envy those people who since they were kids, they already know what they wanted to do in their life. Unlike me, at first, I wanted to be a grocery cashier, then a TV personality, then a lawyer, then at college, I took up Civil Engineering because I heard the ratio of boys to girls in that course was 10:1. Don’t get me wrong though. I learned to love my field along the way. And I believe, it has been good to me too (well except for the female discrimination every now and then). But what I really want is to be a wedding coordinator. I cannot just explain the euphoria-slash-giddiness-slash-throat constricting feeling that I feel every time I see my brides walk to the altar and every time I see the look on the groom’s face when he first sees his bride. I cannot also explain to you the fulfillment that I feel for every thank you’s of these newlywed couples after each wedding.
3.) I wish people would stop asking me if my wedding for 2008 will push through. I get pressured noh! Alright! Alright! Aside from the fact that it was my long time goal, recently, somebody made “hula” that I’d get married on the age of 28. That is already next year. The problem is that I still do not know to whom. Well, maybe I do, he just doesn’t know it yet. You see, I’m doing my part naman. I called up a Santuario in Forbes to reserve the August 8, 2008 date for my wedding. I was willing to pay the reservation fee, mind you. They asked for the names so naturally I gave mine. They asked my groom to be. See, that was my problem. I told the girl I’m still not sure and if it was possible to give my then boyfriend’s name first and I’ll just change it if ever we don’t end up together. Not possible, she said. Fine. So now, I don’t care. I’m not in a hurry anymore. I realized if I’m going to get married to someone and spend the rest of my life with him then I guess he’d be worth the wait.
4.) I wish my Vitiligo would go away. It’s summer and I’m getting tanned except for that spot in my face. It wasn’t bothering me before but it’s sure hell bothering me now!
5.) I wish I could try living alone, independently. Mama said I could as long as I don’t bring my laundry to her house and ask our maid to wash my clothes for me. As you all know, I have been dependent on other people all my life. I wanna learn to be independent starting with living alone. However, as much as I want to, my financial state prevents me from doing so. If I live alone, I have to start paying rent. I have to have my laundry washed (since I can’t bring it home). I have to buy a TV, a sofa bed, nice rugs, electric fan, throw pillows, mini ref, DVD player, that pretty mosquito net like Faye’s, picture frames, scented candles, mini table, vanity table, closet, shoe rack, bag rack and a microwave. Those are pretty expensive. Then, I always have to eat outside coz I can’t cook even to save my life. I would have to start buying groceries. I have to start paying for electricity and water. Yeah, pretty expensive. Thinking ahead, I wouldn’t be able to afford to buy clothes whenever I want to. Imagine, no maid to fix my room, no more extra money for gimiks, movies and other fun stuff. With all these, I believe emotionally I’m ready to be independent but my wallet prevents me in doing so hehehe.
6.) I wish people would feel what they say and say what they feel. Especially in love, it would make things a lot less complicated. For example, if you love somebody, just say it! So what if she’s rich and you’re not, or he’s a god but you’re just average or, you think she wouldn’t give you the time of the day or you guys are always busy? In some other cases, if you don’t feel anything towards a person, never do or say things that would make that person feel otherwise. Do not be selfish. Think about what the other person would feel. Never use a person for your own benefit. Do not take advantage of their love for you. People like this do not deserve their share of breathing air in this planet.
7.) I wish they’d relocate Divisoria and the 168 mall nearer to Makati. Or, construct a flyover from Makati to Divisoria where only shoppers could pass to prevent them being stuck in horrible traffic on their way there.
8.) I wish to have a centralized commuting system at least for Metro Manila. Air conditioned buses and jeepneys would arrive only at certain pick up points (called BUS OR JEEPNEY STATIONS) at certain periods of time. I tell you, less traffic, less hassle and less pressure for commuters would come out of this.
9.) I wish I would not love and hate one person at the same time.
10.) I wish for my perfect love story.
11.) I wish Havaianas would go 50% off and would take me to wherever they stock all their flip flops so that I could shop ahead of all other people. Heaven!!!
12.) I wish Michael Scoffield of Prison Break to come to life and fall in love with me. Have you guys seen Prison Break? My God! If yes, then you have seen my dream guy. He has it all. Kalbo, beautiful and intense eyes, perfect nose, luscious mouth, nice set of teeth, smart, intelligent and gorgeous-but-I-don’t-know-it aura. I promise if that happens, I’ll donate to charity, be a saint, make my own bed or if required, stop buying Havaianas!
13.) I wish I could keep all of my close friends forever. I have a lot of friends. Check my Friendster, I’ve got 700++ of them. But what they do not know, my real friends are only a handful. Only they have been with me through all my ups and downs. They have seen me in my euphoric days and they were with me through those depressing times. They have accepted and loved me for who I truly am, issues and everything. Yeah, I have lost some very close friends too. Some who I have placed in the pedestal but along the way, we fell out. Maybe because our friendship didn’t survive the lack of time for each other, unresolved issues or we never really got to accept the real us in the first place. I just always think that maybe that’s how we were supposed to be. Some friends who I would like to mention here are: Peachy (my bestfriend), Vivian, Abby Lim, my Moonwalk childhood friends (Janice, Jay, Joshua, Niggs and Alvin), Erwin, Boyet, Marianne, Jimmy, Mabel, Ai and Xerxes.
14.) I wish for contentment, good health and long life to my family and loved ones.
15.) I wish for contentment for myself too.
2.) I wish I have the time, guts and money to start & continue the business that I really love: WEDDING COORDINATION. They said that work would stop feeling like work if you love what you’re doing. I envy those people who since they were kids, they already know what they wanted to do in their life. Unlike me, at first, I wanted to be a grocery cashier, then a TV personality, then a lawyer, then at college, I took up Civil Engineering because I heard the ratio of boys to girls in that course was 10:1. Don’t get me wrong though. I learned to love my field along the way. And I believe, it has been good to me too (well except for the female discrimination every now and then). But what I really want is to be a wedding coordinator. I cannot just explain the euphoria-slash-giddiness-slash-throat constricting feeling that I feel every time I see my brides walk to the altar and every time I see the look on the groom’s face when he first sees his bride. I cannot also explain to you the fulfillment that I feel for every thank you’s of these newlywed couples after each wedding.
3.) I wish people would stop asking me if my wedding for 2008 will push through. I get pressured noh! Alright! Alright! Aside from the fact that it was my long time goal, recently, somebody made “hula” that I’d get married on the age of 28. That is already next year. The problem is that I still do not know to whom. Well, maybe I do, he just doesn’t know it yet. You see, I’m doing my part naman. I called up a Santuario in Forbes to reserve the August 8, 2008 date for my wedding. I was willing to pay the reservation fee, mind you. They asked for the names so naturally I gave mine. They asked my groom to be. See, that was my problem. I told the girl I’m still not sure and if it was possible to give my then boyfriend’s name first and I’ll just change it if ever we don’t end up together. Not possible, she said. Fine. So now, I don’t care. I’m not in a hurry anymore. I realized if I’m going to get married to someone and spend the rest of my life with him then I guess he’d be worth the wait.
4.) I wish my Vitiligo would go away. It’s summer and I’m getting tanned except for that spot in my face. It wasn’t bothering me before but it’s sure hell bothering me now!
5.) I wish I could try living alone, independently. Mama said I could as long as I don’t bring my laundry to her house and ask our maid to wash my clothes for me. As you all know, I have been dependent on other people all my life. I wanna learn to be independent starting with living alone. However, as much as I want to, my financial state prevents me from doing so. If I live alone, I have to start paying rent. I have to have my laundry washed (since I can’t bring it home). I have to buy a TV, a sofa bed, nice rugs, electric fan, throw pillows, mini ref, DVD player, that pretty mosquito net like Faye’s, picture frames, scented candles, mini table, vanity table, closet, shoe rack, bag rack and a microwave. Those are pretty expensive. Then, I always have to eat outside coz I can’t cook even to save my life. I would have to start buying groceries. I have to start paying for electricity and water. Yeah, pretty expensive. Thinking ahead, I wouldn’t be able to afford to buy clothes whenever I want to. Imagine, no maid to fix my room, no more extra money for gimiks, movies and other fun stuff. With all these, I believe emotionally I’m ready to be independent but my wallet prevents me in doing so hehehe.
6.) I wish people would feel what they say and say what they feel. Especially in love, it would make things a lot less complicated. For example, if you love somebody, just say it! So what if she’s rich and you’re not, or he’s a god but you’re just average or, you think she wouldn’t give you the time of the day or you guys are always busy? In some other cases, if you don’t feel anything towards a person, never do or say things that would make that person feel otherwise. Do not be selfish. Think about what the other person would feel. Never use a person for your own benefit. Do not take advantage of their love for you. People like this do not deserve their share of breathing air in this planet.
7.) I wish they’d relocate Divisoria and the 168 mall nearer to Makati. Or, construct a flyover from Makati to Divisoria where only shoppers could pass to prevent them being stuck in horrible traffic on their way there.
8.) I wish to have a centralized commuting system at least for Metro Manila. Air conditioned buses and jeepneys would arrive only at certain pick up points (called BUS OR JEEPNEY STATIONS) at certain periods of time. I tell you, less traffic, less hassle and less pressure for commuters would come out of this.
9.) I wish I would not love and hate one person at the same time.
10.) I wish for my perfect love story.
11.) I wish Havaianas would go 50% off and would take me to wherever they stock all their flip flops so that I could shop ahead of all other people. Heaven!!!
12.) I wish Michael Scoffield of Prison Break to come to life and fall in love with me. Have you guys seen Prison Break? My God! If yes, then you have seen my dream guy. He has it all. Kalbo, beautiful and intense eyes, perfect nose, luscious mouth, nice set of teeth, smart, intelligent and gorgeous-but-I-don’t-know-it aura. I promise if that happens, I’ll donate to charity, be a saint, make my own bed or if required, stop buying Havaianas!
13.) I wish I could keep all of my close friends forever. I have a lot of friends. Check my Friendster, I’ve got 700++ of them. But what they do not know, my real friends are only a handful. Only they have been with me through all my ups and downs. They have seen me in my euphoric days and they were with me through those depressing times. They have accepted and loved me for who I truly am, issues and everything. Yeah, I have lost some very close friends too. Some who I have placed in the pedestal but along the way, we fell out. Maybe because our friendship didn’t survive the lack of time for each other, unresolved issues or we never really got to accept the real us in the first place. I just always think that maybe that’s how we were supposed to be. Some friends who I would like to mention here are: Peachy (my bestfriend), Vivian, Abby Lim, my Moonwalk childhood friends (Janice, Jay, Joshua, Niggs and Alvin), Erwin, Boyet, Marianne, Jimmy, Mabel, Ai and Xerxes.
14.) I wish for contentment, good health and long life to my family and loved ones.
15.) I wish for contentment for myself too.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Favorite Quotes
1.) FROM FAYE: “No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it’s by work. No one falls out of love by chance, it’s by choice..”
- This is one of my personal favorites because I never analyzed it that way before. Only you can decide who to stay or go in your life. Only with your permission can other people continuously hurt you. It’s true also that time can make you forget but still at the end of the day, you’ll be the one to decide about it
2.) FROM TIFFANY: “Ang pag-ibig ay parang imburnal. Nakakatakot mahulog... At pag nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or sadyang tanga ka lang.“
- in English: Love is like a canal. It’s scary to fall into it. And if ever you fall, it’s either by accident or you’re just stupid!
3.) FROM BATO: “Anong gagawin mo sa bagay na nawawala? Hinahanap. Kung di mo mahanap. Pinapalitan. Kung di mo mapalitan? Kinakalimutan. Eto ngayon ang tanong... Ano gagawin mo sa bagay na nawawala, na di mo mahanap, di mo mapalitan at di mo makalimutan?"
- for your answers, kindly text me.. hehehehe
4.) FROM ALVIN: “Love is like a roll of tissue paper. You’ll never know how much you’ve wasted till you reach the end and there’s none left. Then it’s sad to realize that much of it was wasted on SHIT after all…”
- At first read, this quote sounds really bitter. But closely, it has sense. You fall in love then after it ends, you dwell on that someone you lost. Then when this really great person comes, you wouldn’t care shit about that ex. You’d begin to realize you absolutely wasted time, effort and tears to someone not really worth it. Yeah, I know.. Bitter… hehehe
5.) FROM YNA: “Be careful in letting go of the things you thought are just nothing, coz maybe someday you’ll realize that the one you gave away was the very thing you’ve been wishing for to stay”
- Remember, nasa huli lagi pagsisisi…
6.) FROM VIC: ”Sometimes you got to run away to see who will run after you. Sometimes you got to talk quietly to see who’s really listening. Sometimes you got to step up to fight only to see who’s standing by your side. Sometimes you got to make a wrong decision only to see who’s there to help you fix it. Sometimes you got to let go of the one you love just to see if they love you enough to come back to you.”
7.) FROM MY: “Prayer of women to God: I pray for WISDOM to understand my man; LOVE to forgive him; PATIENCE for his moods, because if I ask for STRENGTH, I will beat him to death..” =)
- This is one of my personal favorites because I never analyzed it that way before. Only you can decide who to stay or go in your life. Only with your permission can other people continuously hurt you. It’s true also that time can make you forget but still at the end of the day, you’ll be the one to decide about it
2.) FROM TIFFANY: “Ang pag-ibig ay parang imburnal. Nakakatakot mahulog... At pag nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or sadyang tanga ka lang.“
- in English: Love is like a canal. It’s scary to fall into it. And if ever you fall, it’s either by accident or you’re just stupid!
3.) FROM BATO: “Anong gagawin mo sa bagay na nawawala? Hinahanap. Kung di mo mahanap. Pinapalitan. Kung di mo mapalitan? Kinakalimutan. Eto ngayon ang tanong... Ano gagawin mo sa bagay na nawawala, na di mo mahanap, di mo mapalitan at di mo makalimutan?"
- for your answers, kindly text me.. hehehehe
4.) FROM ALVIN: “Love is like a roll of tissue paper. You’ll never know how much you’ve wasted till you reach the end and there’s none left. Then it’s sad to realize that much of it was wasted on SHIT after all…”
- At first read, this quote sounds really bitter. But closely, it has sense. You fall in love then after it ends, you dwell on that someone you lost. Then when this really great person comes, you wouldn’t care shit about that ex. You’d begin to realize you absolutely wasted time, effort and tears to someone not really worth it. Yeah, I know.. Bitter… hehehe
5.) FROM YNA: “Be careful in letting go of the things you thought are just nothing, coz maybe someday you’ll realize that the one you gave away was the very thing you’ve been wishing for to stay”
- Remember, nasa huli lagi pagsisisi…
6.) FROM VIC: ”Sometimes you got to run away to see who will run after you. Sometimes you got to talk quietly to see who’s really listening. Sometimes you got to step up to fight only to see who’s standing by your side. Sometimes you got to make a wrong decision only to see who’s there to help you fix it. Sometimes you got to let go of the one you love just to see if they love you enough to come back to you.”
7.) FROM MY: “Prayer of women to God: I pray for WISDOM to understand my man; LOVE to forgive him; PATIENCE for his moods, because if I ask for STRENGTH, I will beat him to death..” =)
Monday, May 14, 2007
Tribute To My Mama
My mom isn’t the typical mother you usually find at home. For as long as I remember, she was always out. She’s a career woman, you know. We never almost got to see her, either she was always in a hurry in leaving the house for work in the morning or arrives home when we’re all asleep. It didn’t help also that she left our house when she and papa separated. My brothers and I were left with the care of our yayas and eventually, our Tita Judith came to take care of us.
I always envied my friends’ moms. When I was in kindergarten, my teacher would give recognition to the neatest girl and boy in class everyday. I longed to see my name in that blackboard but she never chose me because I didn’t have somebody to fix my hair before I go to school. What I did was, I brought my hairclips and asked our bus mother to do my hair on the school bus on the way. She didn’t choose me that day and I thought because she knew it wasn’t my mom who did my hair. I stopped trying ever since.
She also wasn’t there when I went up the stage to get my yearly certificates. She wasn’t there most of the Parent’s Day at school. She wasn’t there during the grand Jubilee Celebration at high school where I was part of. And she wasn’t there when I received my MVP award for the Catholic Education Association of the Philippines volleyball league. These were only SOME of the instances in my life that she wasn’t there. She would always say that she has appointments that day. She was so busy I guess. She would just give me toys and when I reached my teenage years, would just give me money to spend. I guess this is one of the ways she can make “bawi” for her lack of time. These are also the reason why I always want to spend time at my friends’ homes. I would bask the attention their mothers shower us. While my other teammates have their moms constantly cheering them on during games, I have my boyfriends in the stands. I relied on my friends to go with me to malls and talk to them about my secrets.
But come to think of it and in fairness to her, I know she tried. She left notes in my room and I would read them over and over when I wake up. I would love the smell of her perfume on me after she hugs me. Sometimes, she would drive all the way to my school just to get my letters for her because that’s the only time we could communicate. During the rare free times, she would take us biking at CCP, go shopping or take us out to eat. I savor these moments when we were with her because I wouldn’t know how long we could spend time with each other again. She would lecture, nay, nag me about almost all the lessons in life: how to be strong and never let others take advantage of you, to finish school and not get myself pregnant on the way, how not to give everything when loving someone, how to be punctual and respect other people’s time, how to take good care of my skin, how to breathe properly when I’m palpitating and a lot more.
The weird thing is that though she was always not visible, but I can always feel that she’s there. During my teenage days, when I’m out, there’s this beeper message from her telling me to go home. She established this rule that I can only take phone calls during weekdays at 8:30 to 9pm, after that I have to be asleep already. My boyfriends can never go to our house when she’s not around. And when passion is getting a little bit too far with my boyfriends, believe it or not, I can almost hear her nagging me in the background and with that, I stop myself.
Now that we’re grown ups, I appreciate her more. I became grateful for all the nagging she gave me because it helped me cope up in the real world outside. I also appreciate the time (only this year) when this guy broke my heart. When I woke up after the breakup, I went to her room while she was getting ready for work. I cried my pitiful heart out while she held me. I felt better after that. I knew that no matter how many people would come and go in my life, my mom would always be there and would never leave me. Of course, me, raiding her beauty products in her room also has its benefits. It’s like having a beauty bar where I can try all the products without the guilt of buying any. I appreciate also her bailing me out every time I get caught by police people while driving. She never tells me what she says on the phone to the policeman that lets me off the hook. But still, I’m grateful. And whenever I get hospitalized, she doesn’t stay with me. I have my good friends, and usually my then boyfriend, stay with me. But, whenever I have to checkout of the hospital, she’ll be the one to do that. Siyempre, with nagging like, I should’ve taken care myself more so that she wouldn’t have to leave work just to bring me home. Pissed off, I know, but still, at the end of the day, she’s there to bring me home.
With all these, I could never exchange my mom with anyone else’s. She may not be perfect but that’s who she is. She loves us and I know, no matter what her issues are, she will always be there for me.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms!!!!
I always envied my friends’ moms. When I was in kindergarten, my teacher would give recognition to the neatest girl and boy in class everyday. I longed to see my name in that blackboard but she never chose me because I didn’t have somebody to fix my hair before I go to school. What I did was, I brought my hairclips and asked our bus mother to do my hair on the school bus on the way. She didn’t choose me that day and I thought because she knew it wasn’t my mom who did my hair. I stopped trying ever since.
She also wasn’t there when I went up the stage to get my yearly certificates. She wasn’t there most of the Parent’s Day at school. She wasn’t there during the grand Jubilee Celebration at high school where I was part of. And she wasn’t there when I received my MVP award for the Catholic Education Association of the Philippines volleyball league. These were only SOME of the instances in my life that she wasn’t there. She would always say that she has appointments that day. She was so busy I guess. She would just give me toys and when I reached my teenage years, would just give me money to spend. I guess this is one of the ways she can make “bawi” for her lack of time. These are also the reason why I always want to spend time at my friends’ homes. I would bask the attention their mothers shower us. While my other teammates have their moms constantly cheering them on during games, I have my boyfriends in the stands. I relied on my friends to go with me to malls and talk to them about my secrets.
But come to think of it and in fairness to her, I know she tried. She left notes in my room and I would read them over and over when I wake up. I would love the smell of her perfume on me after she hugs me. Sometimes, she would drive all the way to my school just to get my letters for her because that’s the only time we could communicate. During the rare free times, she would take us biking at CCP, go shopping or take us out to eat. I savor these moments when we were with her because I wouldn’t know how long we could spend time with each other again. She would lecture, nay, nag me about almost all the lessons in life: how to be strong and never let others take advantage of you, to finish school and not get myself pregnant on the way, how not to give everything when loving someone, how to be punctual and respect other people’s time, how to take good care of my skin, how to breathe properly when I’m palpitating and a lot more.
The weird thing is that though she was always not visible, but I can always feel that she’s there. During my teenage days, when I’m out, there’s this beeper message from her telling me to go home. She established this rule that I can only take phone calls during weekdays at 8:30 to 9pm, after that I have to be asleep already. My boyfriends can never go to our house when she’s not around. And when passion is getting a little bit too far with my boyfriends, believe it or not, I can almost hear her nagging me in the background and with that, I stop myself.
Now that we’re grown ups, I appreciate her more. I became grateful for all the nagging she gave me because it helped me cope up in the real world outside. I also appreciate the time (only this year) when this guy broke my heart. When I woke up after the breakup, I went to her room while she was getting ready for work. I cried my pitiful heart out while she held me. I felt better after that. I knew that no matter how many people would come and go in my life, my mom would always be there and would never leave me. Of course, me, raiding her beauty products in her room also has its benefits. It’s like having a beauty bar where I can try all the products without the guilt of buying any. I appreciate also her bailing me out every time I get caught by police people while driving. She never tells me what she says on the phone to the policeman that lets me off the hook. But still, I’m grateful. And whenever I get hospitalized, she doesn’t stay with me. I have my good friends, and usually my then boyfriend, stay with me. But, whenever I have to checkout of the hospital, she’ll be the one to do that. Siyempre, with nagging like, I should’ve taken care myself more so that she wouldn’t have to leave work just to bring me home. Pissed off, I know, but still, at the end of the day, she’s there to bring me home.
With all these, I could never exchange my mom with anyone else’s. She may not be perfect but that’s who she is. She loves us and I know, no matter what her issues are, she will always be there for me.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms!!!!
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Soulmates
I came across this really nice blog about soul mates. She wrote: “Soul mates do exist. That there is truly someone made for you. But it’s up to you to make a choice. We may meet our soul mate by chance but loving and staying with our soul mate is still a choice we have to make..”
I believe in soul mates. In fact, I believe that I already met him. I realized that the moment we had our first conversation. First, I was making pa-cute to him but when we got to talk, I got totally engrossed with him: his face, his views in life, his “hirits”. God, he was perfect. Well, like they say, nobody’s perfect, until you fall in love with them. And maybe that’s what happened, I dunno.
My soul mate and I could talk for hours about anything: his goals, my goals, our friends, our family, “chismis” and other random stuff. We could also be somewhere, sitting or lying around and not saying anything, still it felt like we’re having the time of our lives. We have this romantic and comic bond that some couples envy. We enjoyed simple things. To all those who know me, that’s pretty big. I, who cannot eat “isaw” in the streets and who only drinks mineral water, found myself enjoying eating bread called “putok” with cheese whiz and sipping a plastic of sprite, sitting on a street curb in front of a bakery “sa kanto”. When I told my friends, they said that if my mom & dad saw me, they’d probably have a heart attack hehe. And he, the One-Time-Anti-Havaianas-Critic who would almost condemn me for the number of my Havaianas at home and who would always say “Asus! Mas gusto ko pa Spartan ko dyan!”, would now own a pair (which he wears everywhere) and is requesting ANOTHER ONE for his birthday! We learned a lot from each other. Before I met him, all I knew was new clothes, parties and shallow stuff. Now, I think twice before spending. I do not need expensive gimiks to enjoy. On the other hand, I taught him to, you know, once in a while, enjoy the fruits of his labor J.
For a while then, bliss was on our side. I could say those were my happiest days. I never felt so alive and happy before that. Unfortunately for us, timing wasn’t on our side. External stuff affected what we had. Things that at first we didn’t want to consider but now we felt are taking its toll on us. We didn’t know how to cope with it, much less fix it. That was when we separated. It was painful especially knowing that you have already found him. I didn’t want to let go but as the fucking cliché goes, “you have to let go, if he’s yours he’ll come back, if he’s doesn’t, he never was in the first place.”
We still see each other once in a while nowadays. One can never deny the chemistry that is still there between us. I try hard to fight it. I try hard not to hug him and bury my face in his neck to whisper, “Gago ka! You’re my freaking soul mate! Come on, I wanna start all over again. We can do things right this time around. Promise, I’ll never buy another Havaianas if it bothers you so (crossed fingers!).” But no, I see that he’s doing fine, my pride cannot take what my heart wants me to do. I just allow myself to be secretly “kilig” when sometimes I catch him looking at me like he once did.
With all these, the above blog was right. It’s always a choice. Destiny could always shove your soul mate to your face but it’s always you guys who decide if you would stay together.
I believe in soul mates. In fact, I believe that I already met him. I realized that the moment we had our first conversation. First, I was making pa-cute to him but when we got to talk, I got totally engrossed with him: his face, his views in life, his “hirits”. God, he was perfect. Well, like they say, nobody’s perfect, until you fall in love with them. And maybe that’s what happened, I dunno.
My soul mate and I could talk for hours about anything: his goals, my goals, our friends, our family, “chismis” and other random stuff. We could also be somewhere, sitting or lying around and not saying anything, still it felt like we’re having the time of our lives. We have this romantic and comic bond that some couples envy. We enjoyed simple things. To all those who know me, that’s pretty big. I, who cannot eat “isaw” in the streets and who only drinks mineral water, found myself enjoying eating bread called “putok” with cheese whiz and sipping a plastic of sprite, sitting on a street curb in front of a bakery “sa kanto”. When I told my friends, they said that if my mom & dad saw me, they’d probably have a heart attack hehe. And he, the One-Time-Anti-Havaianas-Critic who would almost condemn me for the number of my Havaianas at home and who would always say “Asus! Mas gusto ko pa Spartan ko dyan!”, would now own a pair (which he wears everywhere) and is requesting ANOTHER ONE for his birthday! We learned a lot from each other. Before I met him, all I knew was new clothes, parties and shallow stuff. Now, I think twice before spending. I do not need expensive gimiks to enjoy. On the other hand, I taught him to, you know, once in a while, enjoy the fruits of his labor J.
For a while then, bliss was on our side. I could say those were my happiest days. I never felt so alive and happy before that. Unfortunately for us, timing wasn’t on our side. External stuff affected what we had. Things that at first we didn’t want to consider but now we felt are taking its toll on us. We didn’t know how to cope with it, much less fix it. That was when we separated. It was painful especially knowing that you have already found him. I didn’t want to let go but as the fucking cliché goes, “you have to let go, if he’s yours he’ll come back, if he’s doesn’t, he never was in the first place.”
We still see each other once in a while nowadays. One can never deny the chemistry that is still there between us. I try hard to fight it. I try hard not to hug him and bury my face in his neck to whisper, “Gago ka! You’re my freaking soul mate! Come on, I wanna start all over again. We can do things right this time around. Promise, I’ll never buy another Havaianas if it bothers you so (crossed fingers!).” But no, I see that he’s doing fine, my pride cannot take what my heart wants me to do. I just allow myself to be secretly “kilig” when sometimes I catch him looking at me like he once did.
With all these, the above blog was right. It’s always a choice. Destiny could always shove your soul mate to your face but it’s always you guys who decide if you would stay together.
A NIGHT IN NANA’S SINGLE LIFE
I’ve been single for quite sometime now… A first for me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a boyfriend so all these are pretty like new to me J. Going out now doesn’t include a particular someone. I’ve been used to dates and I’m just starting to get used to going out again with different people and friends.
Let me just share my day last Saturday. I didn’t have plans that day except meeting Vivian for dinner. This dinner was long overdue coz I haven’t seen her for the longest time and we’ve always planned to meet up each other but for some reasons, either one of us will cancel the meeting.
12:00 pm: I woke up, had lunch and watched The Queen on DVD…
2:00 pm: I took a nap hehehe.
5:00 pm: I woke up again and took my bath. I blow dried my hair and picked my outfit. I wore my denim ragged mini skirt, an empire cut floral spaghetti strapped top and my favorite black high Havaianas. So summer! Anyways, I was going to the dentist first (something I’ve been meaning to do since I received by med card). I texted my friend if he could accompany me coz I’m scared of dentists. Especially now that I think all four of my wisdom tooth needs surgery. They’re hurting like hell nowadays. I texted also Tiff and Victor if they’d like to join me and Vivian to dinner. My friend didn’t reply (I think it’s either he doesn’t have load or has drained battery on his way home). Tiff has dinner with her family but might come later while Vic was in Fuego, resting (lucky him!). Then, I left for the dentist. The dentist I chose has clinic there in Kingswood. When I arrived, I didn’t realize that it was only by appointment. Disappointed, I made an appointment next Saturday. With that, I was still early for my dinner date with Vivian.
5:30 pm: I decided to pass by my Tita Nene’s office in Greenbelt to make “chika”. I always enjoy my talks with Tita. I missed her office because I was once a “tambay” there for quite a while. She said she’ll ride with me to Greenbelt on her way home.
7:15 pm: Tita and I drove to Greenbelt. She went me to the parking and then when we went up to the mall, we parted ways. She was going home to Moonwalk while I was meeting Vivian in Fuzion.
7:30: I saw Vivian and Omar waiting for me outside the restaurant. My friendship with Vivian goes all the way back from high school. We never fell out of touch and I’m grateful for having someone like her as a friend. When they saw me, she said that I was so thin daw (well, I get that often nowadays). We took a table outside and placed our orders. I had Carbonara and iced tea, Vivian got a cheese burger while Omar had lemon chicken with rice. The friend I texted before I went to the dentist texted that his batt was drained and he was already on his way home the time I texted. (See? I was right!) Anyways, as usual, Vivian and I had chika nonstop. She graduated top of her class in UP Law school (I’m so proud of her!) and will be taking the bar this September. We talked about Abby, on how she looks cute pregnant and how much we missed her. We talked about our high school days, how our batch mates are now, friendster people, politics, my non-existent love life, my dramas, our exes, and their “naudlot” na engagement. Of course we had to talk about their future wedding, “Encantadia” theme and everything. I’m one of the bridesmaids and apparently the Sun Fairy. Okay fine, I only agreed to wear bright yellow (definitely not my color for goodness sake!) with wings, because one, she’s one of my closest friends and two, provided that it’s a tube gown. So we ended dinner, with “beso-beso” and a promise that I will pray for her bar exams. After that, I went to sketchbooks to buy the 10th anniv issue of Cosmo because the magazine stand near the ticket booths was out of stock. On my way to the car, I texted Erwin. I didn’t feel like going home yet. Erwin replied saying that he was with Boyet and we could meet up at Bonifacio High Street.
9:30 pm: I met up with Erwin and Boyet at Coffee Bean. They ordered coffee and cheesecake while I had vanilla shake. It was so hot and humid outside. Peak of summer, I guess. I excused myself to look for “teps” for me and Erwin. While I was talking on the phone with Yna and Jay (they are asking if I can meet them at Gilligan’s), I saw my college friends drinking at this restaurant: Paolo, Dicky, Arjay and Agie. We exchanged hellos and good banter for a while then I had to excuse myself again to go back to my friends. I also saw my good friend Celine. I was so thin daw (see told you that I get that often). I told her that’s what happens if you don’t have boyfriend. Then she looked at herself and love struck as she was, she said, “oh really, therefore it’s okay lang”. She was with her boyfriend and they look great together. I’m happy for her J After Coffee Bean, we went to Boyet’s friend’s restaurant (Miss Desserts) at Serendra. She served us the most delicious low fat carrot cake that I ever tasted! Yummy! It was already 12 am and by this time, Yna was texting non-stop to meet them na at Gilligan’s. So I made paalam to leave for Gilligan’s in Park Square.
12:30 am: I met up with Jay and Yna at Gilligan’s. Jay’s my guy best friend ever since my grade school days and Yna’s his better half who I adore. We exchanged stories till like 2 am then Dwight arrived with his friends. Dwight is Yna’s best friend. They introduced me to him sometime February this year, I think. We became text mates, with him always starting the text with “Hi nana,J” I never forgot the time when I came home from gimik at 2am. Dwight and I were texting and I mentioned that I felt like eating Siomai. So there was Dwight arriving at past 2am at our house with North Park’s siomai. Touched ako J. So not just because of the Siomai but also because of the nice person that he is, we became friends. This sparked the never ending teasing of Yna and Jay. Anyways, after Dwight and his friends left, Jay got our bill. Right after that, two kids selling flowers approached Jay. He bought one for me and one for Yna. I panicked at first. You see when we were in Ilocos, in all the churches that we visited, I consistently wished for 3 things: for my family, career and love life. Regarding the last one, I told Him that I was already tired getting hurt but I don’t mind waiting this time as long as the next one would be The One. The sign that I asked for was flowers. Not just ordinary flowers, he must give me the particular arrangement of flowers that I liked. So when Jay gave me the rose, I thought this was not counted because first, Jay’s my best friend and he’s happily with Yna, God wouldn’t want that and second, the flower was not the one I wanted. Yeah, I like roses but not the way it was presented that time. So, di counted yun! J So while I was driving on my way home after that I thought that I had to post a blog about this night. This will be one of the many Saturdays in my new single life: with my friends, meeting old and new people and just enjoying the moment….
Let me just share my day last Saturday. I didn’t have plans that day except meeting Vivian for dinner. This dinner was long overdue coz I haven’t seen her for the longest time and we’ve always planned to meet up each other but for some reasons, either one of us will cancel the meeting.
12:00 pm: I woke up, had lunch and watched The Queen on DVD…
2:00 pm: I took a nap hehehe.
5:00 pm: I woke up again and took my bath. I blow dried my hair and picked my outfit. I wore my denim ragged mini skirt, an empire cut floral spaghetti strapped top and my favorite black high Havaianas. So summer! Anyways, I was going to the dentist first (something I’ve been meaning to do since I received by med card). I texted my friend if he could accompany me coz I’m scared of dentists. Especially now that I think all four of my wisdom tooth needs surgery. They’re hurting like hell nowadays. I texted also Tiff and Victor if they’d like to join me and Vivian to dinner. My friend didn’t reply (I think it’s either he doesn’t have load or has drained battery on his way home). Tiff has dinner with her family but might come later while Vic was in Fuego, resting (lucky him!). Then, I left for the dentist. The dentist I chose has clinic there in Kingswood. When I arrived, I didn’t realize that it was only by appointment. Disappointed, I made an appointment next Saturday. With that, I was still early for my dinner date with Vivian.
5:30 pm: I decided to pass by my Tita Nene’s office in Greenbelt to make “chika”. I always enjoy my talks with Tita. I missed her office because I was once a “tambay” there for quite a while. She said she’ll ride with me to Greenbelt on her way home.
7:15 pm: Tita and I drove to Greenbelt. She went me to the parking and then when we went up to the mall, we parted ways. She was going home to Moonwalk while I was meeting Vivian in Fuzion.
7:30: I saw Vivian and Omar waiting for me outside the restaurant. My friendship with Vivian goes all the way back from high school. We never fell out of touch and I’m grateful for having someone like her as a friend. When they saw me, she said that I was so thin daw (well, I get that often nowadays). We took a table outside and placed our orders. I had Carbonara and iced tea, Vivian got a cheese burger while Omar had lemon chicken with rice. The friend I texted before I went to the dentist texted that his batt was drained and he was already on his way home the time I texted. (See? I was right!) Anyways, as usual, Vivian and I had chika nonstop. She graduated top of her class in UP Law school (I’m so proud of her!) and will be taking the bar this September. We talked about Abby, on how she looks cute pregnant and how much we missed her. We talked about our high school days, how our batch mates are now, friendster people, politics, my non-existent love life, my dramas, our exes, and their “naudlot” na engagement. Of course we had to talk about their future wedding, “Encantadia” theme and everything. I’m one of the bridesmaids and apparently the Sun Fairy. Okay fine, I only agreed to wear bright yellow (definitely not my color for goodness sake!) with wings, because one, she’s one of my closest friends and two, provided that it’s a tube gown. So we ended dinner, with “beso-beso” and a promise that I will pray for her bar exams. After that, I went to sketchbooks to buy the 10th anniv issue of Cosmo because the magazine stand near the ticket booths was out of stock. On my way to the car, I texted Erwin. I didn’t feel like going home yet. Erwin replied saying that he was with Boyet and we could meet up at Bonifacio High Street.
9:30 pm: I met up with Erwin and Boyet at Coffee Bean. They ordered coffee and cheesecake while I had vanilla shake. It was so hot and humid outside. Peak of summer, I guess. I excused myself to look for “teps” for me and Erwin. While I was talking on the phone with Yna and Jay (they are asking if I can meet them at Gilligan’s), I saw my college friends drinking at this restaurant: Paolo, Dicky, Arjay and Agie. We exchanged hellos and good banter for a while then I had to excuse myself again to go back to my friends. I also saw my good friend Celine. I was so thin daw (see told you that I get that often). I told her that’s what happens if you don’t have boyfriend. Then she looked at herself and love struck as she was, she said, “oh really, therefore it’s okay lang”. She was with her boyfriend and they look great together. I’m happy for her J After Coffee Bean, we went to Boyet’s friend’s restaurant (Miss Desserts) at Serendra. She served us the most delicious low fat carrot cake that I ever tasted! Yummy! It was already 12 am and by this time, Yna was texting non-stop to meet them na at Gilligan’s. So I made paalam to leave for Gilligan’s in Park Square.
12:30 am: I met up with Jay and Yna at Gilligan’s. Jay’s my guy best friend ever since my grade school days and Yna’s his better half who I adore. We exchanged stories till like 2 am then Dwight arrived with his friends. Dwight is Yna’s best friend. They introduced me to him sometime February this year, I think. We became text mates, with him always starting the text with “Hi nana,J” I never forgot the time when I came home from gimik at 2am. Dwight and I were texting and I mentioned that I felt like eating Siomai. So there was Dwight arriving at past 2am at our house with North Park’s siomai. Touched ako J. So not just because of the Siomai but also because of the nice person that he is, we became friends. This sparked the never ending teasing of Yna and Jay. Anyways, after Dwight and his friends left, Jay got our bill. Right after that, two kids selling flowers approached Jay. He bought one for me and one for Yna. I panicked at first. You see when we were in Ilocos, in all the churches that we visited, I consistently wished for 3 things: for my family, career and love life. Regarding the last one, I told Him that I was already tired getting hurt but I don’t mind waiting this time as long as the next one would be The One. The sign that I asked for was flowers. Not just ordinary flowers, he must give me the particular arrangement of flowers that I liked. So when Jay gave me the rose, I thought this was not counted because first, Jay’s my best friend and he’s happily with Yna, God wouldn’t want that and second, the flower was not the one I wanted. Yeah, I like roses but not the way it was presented that time. So, di counted yun! J So while I was driving on my way home after that I thought that I had to post a blog about this night. This will be one of the many Saturdays in my new single life: with my friends, meeting old and new people and just enjoying the moment….
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