Is This The Feeling Of Letting Go

How do you let go? Or how would you know if you have already let go of a person dear to you?

I met up with a close friend recently at Coffee Bean at High Street. This meeting was long overdue. We haven’t seen each other for quite some time. When I arrived inside the coffee shop, we exchanged beso and I asked if we could transfer outside because it was cold where she was sitting. So she got her things and we went outside. When I was just about to sit down, my friend blurted out, “Fleur, break na kami.” At first I was shocked and the first thing that came out of my my mouth was “Wa-what? Pero wait, I just have to tell you, pumapayat ka ha?” (Totoo naman kasi e) Then immediately after, I said again, “What? When? How?” No why’s. Because I already knew the reason.

Few weeks before, my friend made kwento that she had a feeling her boyfriend was cheating on her. So naturally, like what ALL NORMAL girls would do, she checked his phone. And there it was… All 100++ messages of the girl, stored in a folder. After the confrontation and admission (on his part), they tried working things out, all because of their love for each other. But of course, if the trust is already broken, it’s really hard to regain in back.

So back to my meeting with my friend. She told her boyfriend (now her ex) that she wants out because she can’t trust him anymore. The boyfriend cannot accept this and begged her to change his mind. But she was firm. The next day, the ex-boyfriend flew outside the country for a week long business trip. The very same day, the ex texted her. I was like “What did he say mare?” I was thinking that maybe he was still begging or he was telling my friend that when he comes back, he’ll take her to an unlimited shopping spree in Hong Kong. “What?” I asked again, a little impatient this time. “Kung pwede ko ba daw bayaran yung Meralco niya.”, my friend said. Punyeta. How romantic. They had text-banter after that. My friend reminded him that she’s dead serious with her decision. Fine, said the guy. The weird thing is that up until the time my friend and I met (days after that Meralco text), her ex hasn’t texted or communicated with her at all. Weird.

When my friend was telling me this story, I was looking at her. I was searching for any bitterness, anger or self-pity, but there was none. I asked her, “So girl, how are you feeling now? Are you okay?”. Heller, coz she looks pretty fine to me. She said she’s also surprised with her reaction and her current state. She said though she still loves her ex, she really doesn’t want him back. He can’t blame her for not trying because for weeks she really tried to forget what her boyfriend did just so they can continue staying together. She said that she just woke up one day, feeling nothing.

I can relate,man! I had a boyfriend before, a long, long time ago. The relationship tarnished because of something I did. For a while (actually a long time for me), I waited for him to go back. I allowed myself to be his doormat and I allowed myself to be an option for him. There was no one to blame because at that time, I was happy being like that. I was at fault, so fine, I allowed him to treat me that way. But after two consecutive events that left me feeling offended and disrespected (a simple I’m-sorry-for-what-I-made-you-feel text would have made a great deal), I suddenly stopped feeling anything (well, that was 3 days after waking up with a huge hangover). Then I remembered this saying that THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE ISN’T HATE, IT’S INDIFFERENCE. I do not want to jump into conclusions now because I do not want to eat my words later, but that’s it, I cannot feel anything, plain and simple. It was like something in me was switched off. Click! But guys, I tell you, it’s a wonderful feeling.

I no longer think about him everyday. I do not notice that he doesn’t text or call me anymore. I do not dress up thinking I might bump into him later that day. I started appreciating other people more and accepting that there are actually people in my life who would want to treat me better. And ang pinakapanalo, like what my friend said, “Fleur, I do not cry anymore. And I do not wake up anymore just to cry.” Weird, but very liberating.

Is this the feeling of letting go?